You were the one! The one for me! The one I could imagine anything! Without panicking at the thought of being together all the time, too used to being alone. Because of the way you are, because of the way I am! Because talking and communicating in English was normal for us – a German and an Austrian. Because you never thought me weird, my need to organize and plan everything, supported my work and my love for writing, because you liked ME, all about me! Because we shared so much, the way we live, the way we like to travel, where we like to travel to, our style, our love for books, culture, museums. But we had to face too many obstacles. Too many to hang on. Both of us unhappy but you were not ready yet to change things. To be selfish for once and think of your happiness. To take a chance with me. To be happy again.
Days turned into weeks, months, where we didn’t see each other. Because of your workload, the distance, your responsibilities. I tried. I tried to be patient and keep going somehow, but in the end, it wasn’t enough. Too much had happened, too many disappointments, too many cancelled dates, trips. All our plans … going up in smoke. Again and again. And I felt lonelier than ever. Even though you were in my life. But not enough. Never enough!
I would have given you everything! All of me! And it hurts so much that we never really had a chance.
A friend once told me to enjoy it as long as it’s fun and end it if it’s making me miserable. As if that were so easy when feelings are involved. Fearing that there won’t be anyone for me after knowing someone like you. Even though you are far from perfect and I know all your faults. It’s the hardest decision I have ever had to make. But I couldn’t go on. I just couldn’t without losing myself in the process.
I don’t know yet how to get over it. How to go on. Never seeing you again, never talking to you again, never wrapping my arms around you again. There’s just me and my memories. As if WE had never existed. But I need to go on with my life, trying to find someone who can give me what I need and deserve. Goodbye, Jens
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