New Year Resolutions you will never keep

It’s the last day of 2017. Thanks God this year is over and a new one is about to begin! Everything will be better, right? Are you prepared for some heavy partying tonight to welcome 2018? How are your resolutions for this year coming along? Like …

• I will stop smoking! I’ll just finish the dozen packs I have at home and that’s it! No more cigarettes! I’ll save sooo much money, gee I will be able to go on vacation for all the money I save! And neither my apartment nor myself will reek of cold smoke! My husband/boyfriend/kids/co-workers won’t complain anymore! Besides, I won’t have to stand outside anymore, sweating like a pig or freezing my butt off during coffee breaks. Even though I will miss the chats with other smokers. Quite interesting all the inside information one can get … nooo, you can’t do it! You can’t miss out on all the best gossip, that’s just cruel!
• I will lose weight! This year is the year! The year I will slim down and not only lose the Xmas food pounds but also those I’ve been carrying around for years! I’ll only eat healthy food anymore! No carbs, no ice cream, no chocolate, no alcohol … How long will you make it? Two days? Two weeks? A month? If you’re managing one month … congratulations! You’ve lost your Xmas weight! But speaking from yearlong new year losing weight resolution experience I can tell you it won’t work! You’ll find excuses for everything or push Day Zero – as the start of your diet – farther and farther away!
• I will do more sports! At least twice a week! I’ll become so fit I’ll be able to jog from one shop to another and therefore get much more shopping done in half the time. Which is why I’ve already paid the exorbitantly high fees for a posh fitness club! The more motivation the better, right? Wrong! Not even the prospect of spending more money will get you to the gym. Month for month you’ll kick yourself for paying useless fees because you can’t get out of your lifelong contract … Just face it! If you’ve never been a sports freak, you’ll never be. But hey, sex is sports too, isn’t it? That just HAS to count!
• I will stop sticking my kid in front of the TV! I really will! Even though it’s so wonderfully convenient! I won’t mind playing with him/her all day, answering his/her annoying questions, popping Xanax pills to keep calm … Oh hell! TV is entertaining and educating and the best babysitter – all for nothing. After all even parents need some time for themselves! To do completely useless things like … watching TV.

Sounds familiar? How many times have you been enthusiastically announcing your resolutions for the New Year? Just to realize a few days later you’re on the best way of failing? Don’t worry! You’re not alone! I’ve done it, you’ve done it and we all will do it again! Which is why I don’t have any resolutions for this year! Apart from … Wishing you all the best for 2018! And thanks! To all those who are there for me! XOXO

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Merry Christmas … but not for me

It’s one day before Christmas Eve. I’m sitting here in a nice café, which usually is the perfect place for me to get inspired. But guess what! I don’t have a single clue what to write! Looking outside everyone is in full Christmas mode, lugging around shopping bags, buying candied nuts at the Christmas market stalls, drinking mulled wine and enjoying Bratwurst, jacket potatoes and whatever delicacies of very fat food such a market has to offer.

And tomorrow Christmas Eve will be here, the evening we used to have festive family dinner, dressed nicely. And which I will spend alone again.

The way it was seems so incredibly long ago. Remembering my parents preparing everything, getting dressed up nicely, having dinner – fondue became a tradition in the later years – and after that … everyone had to leave the living room and wait until we heard the little porcelain bell announcing the “Christkind”. The magic was still there, even as an adult, as I entered the living room. The four candles on the Advent wreath and the ones on the room-high fir tree were burning, casting a warm light on all of us. My parents, my aunt, my uncle. With traditional Christmas songs playing and we couldn’t help crying to “Silent night” every time again, singing along, no matter how awful the one or other of us sounded. It didn’t matter. Having survived our emotional and melancholic few minutes, we all hugged each other, smiling and laughing, wishing each other “Merry Christmas” … before they got comfy on our living room couch and left the work of distributing the Christmas gifts piled underneath the tree to me. Since I was the youngest. (Yeah, not fair, I know!) The way I remember it, we always had fun. There might have been a little stress beforehand because according to my Mum everything had to be perfect. But apart from once in my childhood, I don’t remember a single Christmas with fights and bad moods. No matter where we were. Since we alternated celebrating in Styria and Carinthia. Even when my parents and my uncle were already sick. We still had a good time. And I think especially my Dad already knew this would be his last one.

So, for me those were MY Christmases. And the reason why I’m not celebrating anymore. At least for now. Being somewhere else, even at my sister’s … I would just be a guest. Other people’s rules, traditions and family. Not mine. Never mine. And I’m asking myself: What is Christmas? What is Christmas for me? Right now, I don’t know anymore. Because Christmas for me meant my parents, my aunt and uncle, my aunt Do and my grandmother. I never knew anything else. Until it all ended … one gone after another apart from my aunt … and I’m trying to find back to myself, to finally find someone who I can spend my life and Christmas with, with our own traditions. Combining his and mine. But until then … I just can’t. Can’t pretend. Can’t have my advent calendar. Can’t listen to traditional Christmas songs. Can’t have a tree. Because there won’t be any gifts underneath it for me anyway. So … Christmas Eve for me means being alone as usual, thinking of the past, grieving, with the only joy of keeping up the fondue tradition. I know my parents wouldn’t want that for me, they would want me to be happy, for me to think of the good times we had, to go on with my life and not live in the past, to celebrate Christmas the way we used to. But I can’t: Not yet. Not alone. And my memories are all I have left …

How to survive Christmas – Part II

Hi there! Welcome back! Happy you are back here reading this week’s posting! Only a few days left! Which means, you’re either in Christmas mood, decorating everything and everyone – even your husband / boyfriend / partner – or you just want to survive the next week without killing anyone or falling into a deep depression. Before you start slaughtering those happy Christmas lovers I suggest you’d rather follow my instructions: we left off with No 9 last week, so guess what’s next!

10.) Whistle while you work! It will annoy your co-workers no end – especially if you tune in on Christmas carols or the BEST Christmas song ever: Last Christmas by Wham! – and cheer YOU up in the process. You might even succeed in turning former Christmas lovers into Christmas haters. Wouldn’t that be a nice change? Just imagine a work place without singing Santas, fake wreaths and mini blinking Christmas trees!

11.) Wear reindeer sweaters! It’s the only time of the year you won’t look completely stupid. Alright, maybe you will! But at least you will make others laugh out loud. Consider it your good deed of the year! (You need at least one good deed or Santa won’t bring you any gifts!)

12.) Flee to the tropics! Sun, sun and more sun! For those of you who already live in sunny climates … why not go somewhere hotter? I have to disappoint you, though! Wherever there are tourists Christmas won’t be far! Just face it! You can’t escape it if you’re not hiding out on a lonely island! And even there will probably a Robinson Crusoe who decorates a palm tree!

13.) Eat more chocolate! That goes without saying, doesn’t it? Cookies will work too! But forget all those diet fat-free versions! Only the real deal works!

14.) Enter therapy! If you aren’t already in one, do it now! Quickly! Besides, what would you do with all the spare money you saved by not getting any Christmas gifts? Forget the new car you desperately need or education fees for your kids! Psychologists are your future! And they need new cars too!

15.) Wear elastic waistbands! So, you’ve gone through with the whole Christmas thing! Including Christmas cookies, eggnog, lots of alcohol and buffets at various Christmas parties and now you’re facing at least three days of family festivities. Your family, your partner’s family, your pet’s family … and whoever else deserves a turkey with all the trimmings. So, wearing comfortable clothes is the only option to survive those days!

16.) Get a new family! Okay, that might not be as easy as it sounds! Maybe Kim Kardashian wants to adopt you? At least you won’t have to do everything yourself! Servants decorate the house, cook dinner, buy gifts and wrap them! All you have to do is appear on Christmas Eve and that’s it!

17.) Consider the alternative! Now, that I have given you a few ideas how to survive this year’s Christmas holiday season you might realize that Christmas is not that bad after all! What would be the alternative? (And believe me, I know the difference all too well!) No gifts, no Christmas turkey, no family hangouts and little feuds to keep everything interesting!

I know, everyone’s sighing at the prospect of Christmas but we have to admit it! A year without Christmas would just be awful and very depressing! And again, I do know what I’m talking about!

So, I wish you a great pre-Christmas time! And take it easy! Santa’s only human too!

How to survive Christmas – Part I

The time has come and Christmas is coming closer! And I’ve still not found back to my old happy Christmas self. You have to admit, it’s quite strenuous … So, for all those who are terribly afraid of the upcoming holidays, I’ve got a few tips for you:

• Avoid the mall! If you don’t like to shop that shouldn’t be a problem at all! In any other case … ignore Number 1! As a shopping junkie it’s impossible to avoid the mall! You’ll just have to live with annoying Santas, overpowering Christmas decoration and bad Christmas songs!
• Sedation is the key! Nothing better than a couple of Xanax or Valium to relax! Trust me, you sooo won’t care whether it’s Christmas or not! Everything is just one happy place!
• Drown yourself in eggnog or mulled wine! Start in the morning and never stop until you go to bed at night! Is there any better way to get drunk? (And probably sick!) Besides, it’s keeping you warm in those cold winter days! (Especially if you are lucky enough to live in California, Florida, …)
• Order in! Who’s the cook? Who? Who is? Not you! Forget the stressful cooking of Christmas dinner! (You never get it right anyway! You A) either forget something important like getting the turkey or B) are the worst cook in the universe and your family makes a face at the mere thought of eating what you’ve produced in looong hours!) Just order in and everyone will be happy and relaxed! Mostly you!
• Use paper plates! They come in all different kinds of styles, look nice, are cheap AND you can just throw them away! No annoying loading the dishwasher and then putting everything away again. After all you don’t have time for such time-consuming housework. You need to keep watching “Walking dead” to get into real Xmas spirit.
• Eat chocolate! This is strictly for women! Men don’t care about chocolate! They should stick with alcohol in whichever form available! But you, girls, get a huge supply of every kind of chocolate you can think of. BEFORE the holiday season starts! Preferably in September or October at the latest!
• Believe in Santa! Deep in our hearts we do believe in Santa! Who else would be stupid enough to live on the North pole and distribute millions of gifts in just one night? In a sleigh, no less with eight reindeers of whom one has a red nose! What’s not to believe in that?
• Call in sick! Now, that option has several advantages! First, you can buy all your Christmas gifts peacefully. Online. From the comfortable position on your sofa. Second, you can hide the worst time out! Third, you can skip Christmas parties and those embarrassing situations you usually get into when you drink a little too much alcohol!
• Self-gift! I think I don’t have to tell you! Or have you ever left a shop without buying something for yourself as well? Admit it, even at hardware stores or electronics stores you will find something that attracts you girls. Men have a little more self-control!

Darn! My self-proclaimed limit of approximately 500 words per posting is up! So, I guess I will continue to bore you with my Christmas survival tips next week!

A nice one

A friend recently told me he’d love to read a „nice, feel-good“ article for once. Since he’s of the opinion I’m too sarcastic at times. (Really? Am I?) So, my dear friend, this one is for you!

The problem is, I don’t have a clue how to write an article that’s A) nice, B) not boring and C) neither sarcastic nor vicious, has nothing to do with politics, religion or Donald Trump.

Let’s see, I’ve got 79 words! Darn, still at least 300 to go! Sorry, my friend, I’m falling back into my usual behaviour of NOT being nice. I’ll try to do better!

Of course there have been incidents in my life that were funny, joyous or just plain “nice”. But nothing right now strikes me worth writing about. (Alright, I admit it, I can’t pinpoint on anything I haven’t already written about!)

Maybe … maybe I could just write about of what makes me happy!? That’s nice, right? (Apart from shopping, of course!) I’m talking about the things you can’t buy! (Even though a new pair of shoes makes me VERY happy! Damnit! There it is again! Evil M, evil evil M!)

Sitting here in my library corner, with my relaxing cup of Earl Grey to get into nice writing mood, I close my eyes and let my mind wander, thinking about the immaterial things that make me happy.

Standing at the railing of a ferry or cruise ship, looking out to the ocean or lake, having the wind tousle my hair, watching the waves crash at the hull of the ship, smelling the salty air and water … and I remember! The wonderful transatlantic crossing on the Queen Mary II from New York to Southampton with nothing else than the endless ocean around me, the beautiful trip from Vancouver to Vancouver Island, with all those small islands passing by. The 45 minute ferry ride to my favourite North Sea Island Borkum, which I always spend on deck, no matter the weather. And the boat trip on our very own Carinthian lake Millstätter See with the mountains and woods on one side and soft green hills and lakeside villages on the other.

I remember swimming in Lake Powell with the sun going down, surrounded by those beautiful glowing red rocks, majestically shining down on me. I could have stayed forever.

I remember the hidden orchard in Arizona, closed in by steep rocks, where you could pick your own apples and peaches, the most delicious I have ever tasted. And I remember the small oasis by the small river in Bolivia, surrounded by the Lithium desert, where everything was lush and beautiful.

I remember strolling around Venice in November, the fog circling my feet, touristless streets and the peace that came over me.

And I just love to spend evenings in a nice high-rise hotel room, with the big windows overlooking the streets, just cuddling on a sofa or comfy chair with a cup of hot tea or cocoa in the dark, looking outside as the world passes by, staring at the thousands of lights, wondering what other people are doing. Or just …

My friend, you know who you are. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it, remembering … remembering what makes me happy. Guess this will have to find a continuation one day …

(Pic courtesy of my sister, showing the Millstätter See in Carinthia, my childhood swimming haunt in summer and ice skating fun in winter)