Settling in

I know, I know! You are already endlessly bored by having to read about my big moving experience. For WEEKS now! Well, what can I say? It’s been dominating my life for the past three months!

But now we have arrived! After another exhausting week of unpacking lots and lots of boxes, putting up furniture, getting the kitchen done and having TV and the comfy couch in place … we have finally arrived and can start enjoying our new home. Of course, it’s not all finished. Pictures, decorations and drapes are still missing, a few boxes are left with stuff I don’t know where to put yet … and that’s what lets me lie awake at night right now. How and where to stuff one more candle holder, vase, blanket … and which pictures and paintings I will be able to display on the walls.

Books are crammed everywhere, in three rows in my available space … going from 5 to 3 book cases (not counting my little library with the coffee table and non-fiction books) required lots of hard decisions which ones to keep and which ones to give away.

I tried to incorporate as many memories from my family, my past and my childhood into the “decoration”. But there are still many, many things I can’t have with and around me for the time being. I actually had a breakdown yesterday when I had to part from a very old comfy chair from the 30s from my great grandparents. It was not beautiful anymore, needed upholstering badly … but I still loved it. Now it’s already been collected by the recycling center as bulky waste. Destroyed, crushed to little pieces. I still remember where they stood in our vacation home in the mountains in my room. And then as a reading chair and TV chair beneath the loft bed in my apartments from student days. And as my “jacket/coat wardrobe” in my last apartment.

For some people it’s just something old. Useless. Ugly. Good enough only to be thrown out. For me it was history and had potential. I always pictured it with new stuffing, new fabric and black painted arm rests … which would have cost a bundle. But there is no space for it anyway.

Now it’s Friday evening, for the first time since moving in I have a little time to myself to relax and we are planning on enjoying the weekend without too much puttering around the apartment. Just take a little time out before we’re off to work again on Monday.

Have a great weekend! Greetings from my new home … XXX, MJ

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The big move

This will be a short article. A very short article. It’s 8:14 Friday night and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Our big moving day is finally over!

It started at 6 am with a quick breakfast of dry bread with Nutella and coffee / chai – the last edible I had at the old apartment -, and then loading the car with all kinds of bits and pieces before the professionals arrived to take care of the big stuff. Boy, in a matter of two hours the big truck was stuffed with my furniture and off we went to the new apartment. Where I had the pleasant task of just ordering the guys around to distribute everything into the right room and position.

The rest of the day we started putting together furniture, unpacking, trying not to drown in boxes and chaos. But we got more done than anticipated and even though we are bone tired we are happy about the progress … with still a looong way to go until we can relax and enjoy our new home.

I’m beat, guys, so please forgive me for this really very short article. I will make it up to you by posting a few more pics! Have a great weekend! XXX, MJ

Exhausted

Just incredibly exhausted! In body and mind! Getting up, I’m tired, during the day I’m yawning dozens of times and in the evening, I can’t wait to have my hot bath and stretch out in bed. Cuddling up by 8pm the latest.

The past 1,5 months are taking its toll. Spending the evenings packing up my large household, painting walls on the weekends, moving boxes in between, stuffing my poor car up to the rim every other day. My hands are in a terrible state, I’m bruised and every little bone in my body seems to hurt. Just one more week until the big move and I’m already close to running empty. Waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall asleep again because of all the thoughts and to-dos and what ifs and worries crowding my mind. Getting through the working day somehow, trying to motivate myself to get going at home with all the little things still needed to be done. Like preparing the last room (the kitchen) to be painted. And all those other bits and pieces.

What makes matters worse is that I will barely be able to see my two best friends here in Germany anymore. One of them I will probably only see on our rare concert trips. The other one is moving away to start a new job. A 6-hour drive away. Just like my other friends I had to leave behind in Austria. He was the one I went to when I felt the walls closing in on me and I needed to get away to enjoy a relaxing evening with dinner, chatting and lots of laughter. My retreat. I feel as if I don’t have anywhere to go anymore. Nowhere and no one to flee to … and I’m sure there will be times I will need to get away. To do something for myself and myself only. And there doesn’t seem to be anything or anyone left. I already miss them … and with everything else that’s keeping me awake at night I can hardly deal with it … and the loss …

 

More happy pills needed

Depressive episodes. That’s what my MD called my nervous breakdowns. And gave me a referral to a psychologist’s practice. I called immediately and was surprised to snatch a first appointment two months away. Well, I could certainly get through another couple of months, with the hope in mind that then everything would get better.

Finally, the day arrived and … well … let me say, I was quite disappointed that my first appointment lasted a whole 5 minutes, after which the psych doc (long gray hair, psychedelic clothes) pushed a large envelope into my hands and told me they would get back in contact with me in about four months.

This all happened last year! About 10 months ago! That’s when I decided I couldn’t go on the way I did! Looking forward to getting the help promised to me! I could deal with four more months!

Well, two days ago one of the psychologists of the practice finally called me! End of January! Approximately 4 months later than expected! And this pissed me off more than I can say! Luckily, in my case, due to most of my really big issues having been resolved and not being alone anymore, I started to get better on my own, stopping my happy pill intake until recently. He actually asked me, “whether a therapy is still necessary”. Are you kidding? Of course, I still need it. Feeling better doesn’t mean other issues have been resolved. And I’m far from being as resilient I used to be. With little things upsetting me. But Dude, not at your place! You are not getting one cent out of me! Apart from the fact that I’m moving away anyway, thanks a lot!

Remembering my really bad days I told the psychologist – and the secretary of the practice – what I thought about their behaviour towards their patients. Letting them wait for months and months, not even managing a quick call or email to let them know that it would take more time to start therapy than anticipated. I still remember their “we will call you in fall”. Well, end of January is nearly spring again and as far off from fall as me being in Austria.

The one thing they are all forgetting is that I AM PAYING THEIR EXORBITANT WAGES by forking over tons of money every month for health insurance. Apart from the mental state I could have still been in. Gee, I only hope that real “hard” cases get help more quickly than lowly me!