TRISTAN

I miss him. I really miss him. He is the only one I miss dreadfully. But I had to leave him behind with my ex because I couldn’t uproot him from his home and the freedom to wander the neighbouring gardens – and leave his poop there instead of the cat toilet.

Tristan, the new family member, arrived in our lives on April 28^th2019. Quite unexpectedly, I might add. I was not all too thrilled to add another responsibility to my already quite complicated life, so shortly after moving in with my now ex-boyfriend and his 19-year-old daughter. But there was no harm in looking, wasn’t it? After being bombarded by cat pics and cat videos, we had mellowed out. So, we all headed to the animal shelter and let us being led from one caged room to another, meeting at least two dozen cats. A white fluffy darling called “Snowball” caught our hearts first, even though she was handicapped, being deaf. And we worried whether this would be a good choice for “my” first cat.

The carer inquired if we wanted to also see the quarantined cats, those, who hadn’t been vaccinated yet and we just nodded. We had nothing to lose. And there he was. This cute, one year old tiger-striped tomcat no one knew where he had come from. He was drawn to us right away, cuddling and purring. He couldn’t get enough of us, we couldn’t get enough of him. The decision was made and sooo easily. He would come with us and we wouldn’t let him go again.

Excitedly we waited until the formalities had been done and were anxious to see how he would behave in his transport box in the car and especially at home.

Well, he surprised us all. He used his new cat toilet right from the beginning, didn’t scratch at the furniture, didn’t throw things off the shelves and loved his scratching tree to pieces which I had ordered right away. He had such a need of human interaction and cuddling that he just wouldn’t move from our sides.

Going the work the first day was hell. I would have rather preferred to stay home and couldn’t wait to get back to Tristan.

Tristan, you are wondering? Quite an unusual name. When it could have just been Oscar, Felix, Shakespeare, Tiger or Gatsby. We had two names to choose from: Siegfried and Tristan. And decided that Tristan would fit much better. And it does. He is a sweet little rascal. Just like his namesake “Tristan Farnon” from our favourite TV series “All creatures great and small” which we were watching on DVD at that time. (Cheesy, I know! But so wonderfully harmless! And just … nice!)

Well, Tristan, the former apartment cat, has become a real outdoor cat. And we were a little proud when he caught his first mouse and presented it to us on the terrace. Before wolfing it down in three bites. Which was a bit disgusting. Especially since I really love mice. They are such delicate little creatures. But, that’s life. And cats are hunters after all. And Tristan is no different …

I try not to think too often of the little guy, who used to cuddle up with me and lick my ear and cheek, purring loudly. Or the way he bumped his head with mine. Or sleeping between my legs. Or his storming the scratching tree as soon as he came inside through his cat flap. Or his love for shredding paper … memories. There’s nothing else than memories for me. And there are times I suffer greatly …

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DREAM TEAM – AND BY THE WAY: YOU ARE FIRED

What pops into your head, if you hear the following words: dangerous, petulant, racist, unpresidential, ignorant, liar, narcissist, rude, incompetent, choleric, irresponsible, small minded, insane, disgusting, paranoid, anything-but-genius, … need any clues? Not really, do you?

Trump & Pence, Pence & Trump. A dream team come true. Or rather … a nightmare. Following the news the past weeks and days more closely, I can’t help being flabbergasted, shocked, disgusted … it’s stupidity at its best. Well, I guess there isn’t a single day one can’t help shaking his head hearing the news coming from the States. And I can’t help asking myself:

1. How the hell did this happen? How the hell can some human beings like THEM become the most powerful leaders of one of the world leading countries?
2. How can anyone still believe a word they are saying? Just hearing him frantically shouting “Fake news! Fake news! Fake news!” it’s so obvious what he’s doing … I can’t believe no one around him doesn’t fall down laughing because it’s so ridiculous. And everyone already knows what’s really going on.
3. How can he get away with everything? I mean, it seems he can bloody well do whatever he wants to. Withholding tax information, getting pardons for his criminal cronies, lie and betray, abuse of power, abuse of office, abuse of fricking everything …
4. Why isn’t anyone suing him for being responsible for the death of all those pandemic deaths? He is literally killing people! Not to mention all those who are dying because they can’t afford healthcare anymore? After all, Obamacare is a very bad thing … and the only reason it has to be abolished is because he hates, hates, hates Obama.
5. Why, oh, why can’t he just drop dead from a McDonalds Burger heart attack? Or a very, very bad case of Corona? Boy, that would be KARMA, wouldn’t it? Gratifying! Am not sure, though, whether his VP buddy Pence would be a better POTUS. But hey, he can definitely not be much worse! We’d just return to the dark Puritan ages …

One of the most disgusting things from the past weeks? Trump’s bible holding stunt in Washington DC, driving away peaceful “Black Lives Matter” demonstrations by using tear gas and police force. Just for HIM to march along the street with his cronies and stand in front of a church holding up a bible just for a photo op! I mean, I’m anything but religious, but this guy screams fake Christian from all of his pores! Classy! And proclaiming BLM is a “symbol of hate”? You fricking …

Or just a couple of days ago? Sitting in the Oval Office at his presidential desk, smiling insanely and holding his thumbs up for Goya beans and products, because the Goya CEO supports Trump and the community went wild, totally boycotting the brand. Really? In the middle of the pandemic? That’s his and his godawful daughter’s priority? Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaking of which! His and his VP’s total failure of dealing with the COVID-19 crisis. I mean, come on, we all hate to wear masks, but we just do it because right now it’s the most sensible thing to do, at least when you are in closed spaces, shops, restaurants … but those guys? Talking about having made “remarkable progress” and a “flattened curve” with 60 000 new positively tested corona cases daily and 137 000 people dead? (Oh, and by the way, 99% of the cases are totally harmless … yep, sure, that’s why there are barely any people dying!) Totally ignoring the facts? Proclaiming “We’re doing too much testing” – yeah, sure, just joking, at least the White House tried to “explain” it away with “joking”, when HE clearly isn’t and mentioning the “too much testing” in every single interview – and throwing out the suggestion to swallow or inject disinfectant to kill the virus? After all, disinfectant kills the virus from the outside, so why shouldn’t it kill from the inside as well? Seriously? Stupid as stupid does … this guy is dangerous, plain dangerous and lying through his bleached teeth … or uses his orange tanned Twitter finger.

I really could go on and on right now. Like being totally shocked when seeing the pictures of the Trump campaign removing social distancing stickers at the Tulsa rally (which is already old news again) … and gleefully reading about the TikTok teens registering for thousands of tickets for the rally and not showing up, leaving the one or other seat empty! With an attendance of just 6200 instead of 19000. Gosh, have you seen his face when he returned from the rally? Looking like a spoilt child who didn’t get what he wanted. As in fawning crowds and crowds and crowds. And a cancelled appearance in front of the hall, because no one was waiting there … boohoo … poor boy!

Researching a bit for this article I couldn’t help googling for his dream buddy: Pence. Because, let’s face it, this guy is barely seen or heard from, at least in Europe, even though he is “Chairman of the White House Coronavirus Task Force”. (Task Force? What task force? They have failed the country 100%)

Wanna know what I found? (And I didn’t even have to dig deep!) A conservative Christian fanatic, who signed bills to restrict / prohibit abortions. A guy who criticized comprehensive sex education, pleading for abstinence education and telling the world that condoms are a useless protection against sexually transmitted diseases. Oh, and yeah, global warming is a myth. Huh? Which cave did he crawl out from? This is bad! Really bad!

My only hope for this country is that this dream team will be kicked out of the office at the November election with embarrassingly low votes and sanity, class and real care for people and country will return to the White House. GO BIDEN! GO BIDEN! GO BIDEN! (One just has to love this guy!)

PROM QUEEN

Approximately one year ago I had the great “pleasure” of attending a genuine German prom. Or at least what they tend to call a prom. So of course, I threw myself into the task eagerly, starting to plan my wardrobe way way ahead. Months ahead. After all, “What to wear” is one of the most essential issues in a woman’s life. Or … my life.

The way I knew proms it’s a festive affair and the least one wears, is cocktail attire. After extensive research – kind of – I had to realize that it is definitely less elegant than Austrian proms, where evening wear is basically a MUST. By wearing a cocktail dress, I decided I would be adequately dressed for the occasion. And the hunt began. Having to realize that everything was just … boooring. Boring, boring, boring.

Finally, I found a dress that met my requirements. Red, very cute, with pearls, princess style. Unfortunately, since I couldn’t quite decide, whether red would really be a fitting colour or too flashy, I ordered the same dress in black as well. After all, I still had time to choose … of course HE didn’t know I had bought two dresses …

Sooo, two gowns to choose from. That should work out well. I could rest easy now and relax. Waiting for the event to come. AS IF!

Unfortunately, our England vacation completely threw my plans overboard, which I should have known. I just should have known and not even attempted to buy something beforehand. Power shopping – this time in Southampton – was on my schedule and of course I found a THIRD dress. Which cost 5 times what I paid for one of the other dresses ordered online – but I just couldn’t resist. I fell in love right away. Heavy silk brocade, dark blue, just fabulous! I didn’t even have to think twice, I just whipped out my credit card and the dress was mine. Mine, mine, mine!

Compared to the other two dresses, for which I had planned to go with black accessories, I now had the problem that despite my more than 80 pairs of shoes, none would go with my third dress. Neither red ones, tan, green, orange … either the wrong style or I didn’t like the colour. Poor me! Imagine my panic … with the prom creeping closer in full speed. And no idea, what to wear with my third dress. Which left me with ordering silver and pink shoes and clutches from different retailers to choose from. In the end, I chose silver … and threw in the pink clutch for another occasion, since I didn’t find shoes that didn’t look completely tacky.

Alright, my outfits were assembled. I was ready to go. Choosing the expensive dark blue silk brocade dress in the end. And then … the evening arrived … and … oh boy, the whole prom thing was ridiculous! More like a garden party, with boringly and badly dressed Germans all around … ranging from normal everyday clothes to more festive ones. If there were 10 women actually wearing cocktail dresses, that would be an exaggeration. With his ex-wife sporting an anything but new black jumpsuit, obviously her idea of the LBD. I DID feel a bit overdressed, by the way, but hey, I at least knew how to dress appropriately. Some of the guests / parents seem to have completely missed the theme … one cannot even start to compare Austrian and German proms. In Austria it’s more like a debutante ball, an occasion which stays in your young mind forever. Where everyone attending makes an effort to dress up, dances through the night and has a great time. Thinking back to my own prom? We were lucky to rent the town’s castle with inner court for the polonaise, beautiful rooms to wander around, with ballroom dancing and disco. So very different …

This? This was not a prom. This was as far away from a ball than imaginable. This was a garden party with buffet dinner. Nothing more, nothing less.

Can anyone please tell me why in the hell I spent more than 500€ just for THIS? I could have whipped out MY LBD (from England as well, of course) and would still have been better dressed than most. Which makes me realize, I need to get back on board the QM2 soon … at least black tie is not a mystery there.

DON’T GO THERE

That’s what I’m constantly telling myself: don’t go there. Just don’t go there! Let it go! But it’s not that easy, isn’t it? Thinking back to the past year, there are issues that are constantly popping up again, things that make me so angry I could scream. Because at the end of the relationship I couldn’t say what I was really thinking, couldn’t “defend” myself, point out HIS failures, when he made it look like as if everything was my fault. Being dependent on his support regarding the move and putting up the furniture in my new apartment – which cost me a great deal of money AGAIN -, I had to keep my mouth shut. But not anymore. I’m done being the good and sensible girl. I have earned my right to be angry, mean and malicious too.

1. How dared you reproach me regarding my issues with my niece, when you didn’t even know the family history behind it! YOU are the last one to be even allowed to utter any critics! YOU barely were in contact with your brother the past years because of some family disagreements. (Whose family, by the way, is the only normal one among your clan! I have rarely met a more heart-warming person than your sister-in-law!) Not to mention that you had just started to be in contact with your parents again after your separation.
2. How dared you getting annoyed by my “moaning”! Just because I tended to sigh mournfully sometimes on Sunday that the next day would be a working day again. Or about the one or other household chore still needed to be done. I nearly got sick with depression after every fricking visit with your parents and your awful mother complaining and moaning about every single thing. Those negative vibes and constant talking gave me horrible headaches and I needed at least a day to recuperate. Not to mention your attention-seeking daughter, whose constant whining and loud voice nearly made me hit the roof. So, don’t even dare compare me with those treasures of your family!
3. How dared you complain about my barely existing social life! Is it my fault most of my friends are far away? Have you ever started completely new at my age? The farthest away you went was, what, 50 km? And I moved to another country, alone, at an age where it is not that easy to find new friends. Considering OUR social life during the time we were together, well, apart from your brother and sister-in-law, the few occasions where you tried to get other couples / colleagues to meet up with us, like your birthday … one cancellation after another. Think about THAT! How many friends do YOU have? Would any of them have paid for a hotel room on our visit like MY friend did? I guess not!
4. How dared you complain about stupid stuff like me not drying and putting away the Tupperware – which YOU don’t use anyway – after emptying the dishwasher. Because you didn’t like the water marks on it and wanted everything put away IMMEDIATELY. Well, guess what! I didn’t like you running around the apartment with your outdoor shoes either. “They are not dirty!” Yeah, sure … So much for compromises. Unless it was ME having to compromise and to dance to your tune!
5. How dared you talk about our private life to nosy neighbours! In a conservative in-bred village setting, with everyone knowing everyone and everything. It’s none of their fricking business! I’m a private person and village life with rifle club festivities and Octoberfest is not my style. But that’s what you didn’t get anyway.
6. How dared you complain about me not doing stuff! Just because I was not thrilled to enlist in the village housewife tennis club? WHO ended the dancing lessons because he forgot the dancing steps from one week to another due to being exhausted from the working week and couldn’t deal with not being “perfect”? Instead of just taking it easy and having fun?
7. How dared you complain about my mood swings! Who the fuck would have put up with a 19-year-old high-strung girl, a stranger, in an 85sqm apartment moving in nearly right from the start because she couldn’t stay with her mother and sister due to constant fights? Who? Who? ME! And you knew how panicked I was, my fears, my concerns, to be in such a situation after all those years living alone. With you and her telling me, she would be barely home anyway, spending the weekends with her boyfriend. Yeah, as if … I never held back how important my privacy was for me, time to myself, personal space. I even had to start taking my happy pills again just to get through it … the endless months ahead looming before me. I tried, I really tried.
8. How dared you NOT put the cat first? SHE wanted him, SHE bombarded us with videos and cute cat pictures! Until we gave in! He depended on us, being an animal. Not your adult daughter with her own car!
9. How dared you complain about my wardrobe, my shoes, my bags, my books, my plants and the space it took! Compared to your ex, who didn’t have to work a single day for close to 20 years and was financed by you, everything I possess and built up since I moved to Germany, is from my own earned money! Not a kept woman! Have I ever said anything against your high-priced model planes, when you bought a new one? And your basement room, which was YOURS? Your hobby was okay, but mine were not?
10. How dared you not take me seriously! Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right and wrong regarding parenting and rules. There are things kids and teenagers just have to deal with, like family visits, birthday celebrations, Christmas, Easter. One just has to get through stuff like that. End of story. End of discussion. We all have to do things we don’t always like. Just get it over with! That’s life! And why do learners need 8000€ cars like Mini Cooper / Fiat 500 just because they are their dream cars and they received the money from their grandparents? Seriously? That’s good parenting? That’s sensible? Well done! But of course, I was not allowed to utter my opinion, because I don’t have children and it was “none of my business”!
11. How dared you not to spoil me and treat me the way a loved and treasured woman deserves? I deserve to be spoilt! I deserve to be loved! I deserve to be shown to be loved! I deserve to be told to be loved! I deserve someone who surprises me with a romantic weekend trip to get away from everything! I deserve someone who doesn’t count every penny and split every restaurant or food delivery bill. I deserve someone who spontaneously whips out his credit card and treats me to the new top / shoes / jewelry / … I admire so much. Just because. Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because of it being a nice appreciative gesture. Like at Hamleys in London? Where I wanted to get a Paddington Bear because I had read the children stories recently and I loved them so very much? For you it was an eye rolling moment and as usual I bought Paddington Bear myself. It would have meant the world to me to being treated to something like that as a loving gesture. I deserve someone who makes little gifts, writes notes, brings flowers … just because he thought of me. The way I do. I deserve someone who is warm and loving, my rock, no matter what. And by the way? Just because we separated – amicably, if I may say so, because I kept my cool – doesn’t mean one can’t keep congratulating each other on birthdays. After living together for a year. So, thanks for that as well!
12. How dared you not even try to save the relationship! That it wasn’t even worth it to you! To work on it, to compromise, to find solutions! To understand! To man up and demand from your daughter to stop being so hysterical and spoilt and at least LISTEN, since after all YOU were paying for everything! But nooo … too much effort! Too much fear of disagreements and disharmony! Too much fear of HER becoming even more psychotic! Too much poison she had spread! Unable to think and act rationally like the adult she claimed to be! Just hide from the ugly reality what she really is …

 

Without me, you wouldn’t have experienced a skiing holiday in Austria, gone to Carinthia and Styria, Italy for a beach vacation, enjoyed good Austrian and Italian food, seen Venice and enjoyed coffee at the “Caffe Florian” – which I paid for … but, since you can’t see and enjoy the “beauty of things”, it was basically a waste of time and money. Thinking back to our trip to Venice, which is a place I love endlessly, somewhere I can always find inner peace and be happy, you spoiled it for me with your constant remarks about the state of some buildings and why they are not taken better care of. Walking through Graz? Showing you my old haunts from my teen and student years, where I spent great weekends with my best friend? You just shrugged your shoulders. Nothing impressed you or made you appreciate the culture, the sights.

Speaking of appreciation! You really have no clue how to treat a woman! Well, having seen the style of your ex, I shouldn’t be surprised either. Silk and lace, gorgeous dresses, shoes and bags to go with the wardrobe … you obviously didn’t know women like that. Women who also could adapt, being interested in new things, other things, your things. New choice of clothes, wanting to please you and asking which item you liked best? And receiving the reply, “I don’t have an opinion!”? That knocks your socks off, doesn’t it? What’s the point in buying new lingerie and stuff, if he doesn’t care anyway, because he doesn’t have an opinion!? How stupid is that? How can someone NOT have an opinion what he likes better?

Without me, you still wouldn’t know how to hug someone. Warm heartedness and compassion are completely foreign concepts for you. Well, no surprise there with your screwed-up family and sub-zero temperature ex-wife.

Do I sound bitter? No, just disappointed and angry. Really angry about things he threw at me! How I had “changed”. How he didn’t like my character anymore. Etc., etc. And how easily he just threw everything away! It’s not as if I didn’t realize he was not the right one for me … but still … I deserve more. I just deserve more.

My biggest failure? My need for privacy and personal space. With the whole situation blowing up in our faces and me starting to really despise HER due to her stubbornness to not even TALK about it. Hurting him more than me with her immature and stuck-up behaviour. Cause I couldn’t care less about HER. Well, I’m sure her psychiatrist will talk after her mouth, so that the precious girl once again gets what she wants. Attention! Being the poor victim! Treated so awfully by ME. Who lent her clothes for a 20s party, suitcases for her trips, brought back souvenirs from business trips, gifted money to her for her graduation trip … One day she will realize … the mighty will fall!

And being me, a writer, I needed to get it all off my chest and out of my head. Which I have been doing, in the middle of the night, in the hope that my mind will finally find peace and I won’t think about all the things anymore that annoy me so much. And it’s ME I have to take care of, my health, my mind and my happiness.

So, screw you, W, thanks for the experiences, some nice and happy ones too, I have to admit that, and good riddance! No one is perfect! And neither are you with your know-it-all attitude, which I took in better stride than many other women would! Be happy with your daughters, they got what they wanted, being rid of your “bad girlfriend”!

And by the way? I love to be bad! It’s good to be bad! I don’t have to be nice to everyone! I don’t have to like everyone! And I can show it, if I want to! I don’t have to care what other people think about me, if I don’t want to! It sets me free! I can do whatever I want! I can buy as many books as I want! I can have two desks in my study, I can have an extra wardrobe just for my evening wear and one for my lingerie, just because I can! I can display my shoes and bags because they are worthy of display!  And I can write again! Without holding back, because this had been taken away from me as well …