That’s what I’m constantly telling myself: don’t go there. Just don’t go there! Let it go! But it’s not that easy, isn’t it? Thinking back to the past year, there are issues that are constantly popping up again, things that make me so angry I could scream. Because at the end of the relationship I couldn’t say what I was really thinking, couldn’t “defend” myself, point out HIS failures, when he made it look like as if everything was my fault. Being dependent on his support regarding the move and putting up the furniture in my new apartment – which cost me a great deal of money AGAIN -, I had to keep my mouth shut. But not anymore. I’m done being the good and sensible girl. I have earned my right to be angry, mean and malicious too.
- How dared you reproach me regarding my issues with my niece, when you didn’t even know the family history behind it! YOU are the last one to be even allowed to utter any critics! YOU barely were in contact with your brother the past years because of some family disagreements. (Whose family, by the way, is the only normal one among your clan! I have rarely met a more heart-warming person than your sister-in-law!) Not to mention that you had just started to be in contact with your parents again after your separation.
- How dared you getting annoyed by my “moaning”! Just because I tended to sigh mournfully sometimes on Sunday that the next day would be a working day again. Or about the one or other household chore still needed to be done. I nearly got sick with depression after every fricking visit with your parents and your awful mother complaining and moaning about every single thing. Those negative vibes and constant talking gave me horrible headaches and I needed at least a day to recuperate. Not to mention your attention-seeking daughter, whose constant whining and loud voice nearly made me hit the roof. So, don’t even dare compare me with those treasures of your family!
- How dared you complain about my barely existing social life! Is it my fault most of my friends are far away? Have you ever started completely new at my age? The farthest away you went was, what, 50 km? And I moved to another country, alone, at an age where it is not that easy to find new friends. Considering OUR social life during the time we were together, well, apart from your brother and sister-in-law, the few occasions where you tried to get other couples / colleagues to meet up with us, like your birthday … one cancellation after another. Think about THAT! How many friends do YOU have? Would any of them have paid for a hotel room on our visit like MY friend did? I guess not!
- How dared you complain about stupid stuff like me not drying and putting away the Tupperware – which YOU don’t use anyway – after emptying the dishwasher. Because you didn’t like the water marks on it and wanted everything put away IMMEDIATELY. Well, guess what! I didn’t like you running around the apartment with your outdoor shoes either. “They are not dirty!” Yeah, sure … So much for compromises. Unless it was ME having to compromise and to dance to your tune!
- How dared you talk about our private life to nosy neighbours! In a conservative in-bred village setting, with everyone knowing everyone and everything. It’s none of their fricking business! I’m a private person and village life with rifle club festivities and Octoberfest is not my style. But that’s what you didn’t get anyway.
- How dared you complain about me not doing stuff! Just because I was not thrilled to enlist in the village housewife tennis club? WHO ended the dancing lessons because he forgot the dancing steps from one week to another due to being exhausted from the working week and couldn’t deal with not being “perfect”? Instead of just taking it easy and having fun?
- How dared you complain about my mood swings! Who the fuck would have put up with a 19-year-old high-strung girl, a stranger, in an 85sqm apartment moving in nearly right from the start because she couldn’t stay with her mother and sister due to constant fights? Who? Who? ME! And you knew how panicked I was, my fears, my concerns, to be in such a situation after all those years living alone. With you and her telling me, she would be barely home anyway, spending the weekends with her boyfriend. Yeah, as if … I never held back how important my privacy was for me, time to myself, personal space. I even had to start taking my happy pills again just to get through it … the endless months ahead looming before me. I tried, I really tried.
- How dared you NOT put the cat first? SHE wanted him, SHE bombarded us with videos and cute cat pictures! Until we gave in! He depended on us, being an animal. Not your adult daughter with her own car!
- How dared you complain about my wardrobe, my shoes, my bags, my books, my plants and the space it took! Compared to your ex, who didn’t have to work a single day for close to 20 years and was financed by you, everything I possess and built up since I moved to Germany, is from my own earned money! Not a kept woman! Have I ever said anything against your high-priced model planes, when you bought a new one? And your basement room, which was YOURS? Your hobby was okay, but mine were not?
- How dared you not take me seriously! Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right and wrong regarding parenting and rules. There are things kids and teenagers just have to deal with, like family visits, birthday celebrations, Christmas, Easter. One just has to get through stuff like that. End of story. End of discussion. We all have to do things we don’t always like. Just get it over with! That’s life! And why do learners need 8000€ cars like Mini Cooper / Fiat 500 just because they are their dream cars and they received the money from their grandparents? Seriously? That’s good parenting? That’s sensible? Well done! But of course, I was not allowed to utter my opinion, because I don’t have children and it was “none of my business”!
- How dared you not to spoil me and treat me the way a loved and treasured woman deserves? I deserve to be spoilt! I deserve to be loved! I deserve to be shown to be loved! I deserve to be told to be loved! I deserve someone who surprises me with a romantic weekend trip to get away from everything! I deserve someone who doesn’t count every penny and split every restaurant or food delivery bill. I deserve someone who spontaneously whips out his credit card and treats me to the new top / shoes / jewelry / … I admire so much. Just because. Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because of it being a nice appreciative gesture. Like at Hamleys in London? Where I wanted to get a Paddington Bear because I had read the children stories recently and I loved them so very much? For you it was an eye rolling moment and as usual I bought Paddington Bear myself. It would have meant the world to me to being treated to something like that as a loving gesture. I deserve someone who makes little gifts, writes notes, brings flowers … just because he thought of me. The way I do. I deserve someone who is warm and loving, my rock, no matter what. And by the way? Just because we separated – amicably, if I may say so, because I kept my cool – doesn’t mean one can’t keep congratulating each other on birthdays. After living together for a year. So, thanks for that as well!
- How dared you not even try to save the relationship! That it wasn’t even worth it to you! To work on it, to compromise, to find solutions! To understand! To man up and demand from your daughter to stop being so hysterical and spoilt and at least LISTEN, since after all YOU were paying for everything! But nooo … too much effort! Too much fear of disagreements and disharmony! Too much fear of HER becoming even more psychotic! Too much poison she had spread! Unable to think and act rationally like the adult she claimed to be! Just hide from the ugly reality what she really is …
Without me, you wouldn’t have experienced a skiing holiday in Austria, gone to Carinthia and Styria, Italy for a beach vacation, enjoyed good Austrian and Italian food, seen Venice and enjoyed coffee at the “Caffe Florian” – which I paid for … but, since you can’t see and enjoy the “beauty of things”, it was basically a waste of time and money. Thinking back to our trip to Venice, which is a place I love endlessly, somewhere I can always find inner peace and be happy, you spoiled it for me with your constant remarks about the state of some buildings and why they are not taken better care of. Walking through Graz? Showing you my old haunts from my teen and student years, where I spent great weekends with my best friend? You just shrugged your shoulders. Nothing impressed you or made you appreciate the culture, the sights.
Speaking of appreciation! You really have no clue how to treat a woman! Well, having seen the style of your ex, I shouldn’t be surprised either. Silk and lace, gorgeous dresses, shoes and bags to go with the wardrobe … you obviously didn’t know women like that. Women who also could adapt, being interested in new things, other things, your things. New choice of clothes, wanting to please you and asking which item you liked best? And receiving the reply, “I don’t have an opinion!”? That knocks your socks off, doesn’t it? What’s the point in buying new lingerie and stuff, if he doesn’t care anyway, because he doesn’t have an opinion!? How stupid is that? How can someone NOT have an opinion what he likes better?
Without me, you still wouldn’t know how to hug someone. Warm heartedness and compassion are completely foreign concepts for you. Well, no surprise there with your screwed-up family and sub-zero temperature ex-wife.
Do I sound bitter? No, just disappointed and angry. Really angry about things he threw at me! How I had “changed”. How he didn’t like my character anymore. Etc., etc. And how easily he just threw everything away! It’s not as if I didn’t realize he was not the right one for me … but still … I deserve more. I just deserve more.
My biggest failure? My need for privacy and personal space. With the whole situation blowing up in our faces and me starting to really despise HER due to her stubbornness to not even TALK about it. Hurting him more than me with her immature and stuck-up behaviour. Cause I couldn’t care less about HER. Well, I’m sure her psychiatrist will talk after her mouth, so that the precious girl once again gets what she wants. Attention! Being the poor victim! Treated so awfully by ME. Who lent her clothes for a 20s party, suitcases for her trips, brought back souvenirs from business trips, gifted money to her for her graduation trip … One day she will realize … the mighty will fall!
And being me, a writer, I needed to get it all off my chest and out of my head. Which I have been doing, in the middle of the night, in the hope that my mind will finally find peace and I won’t think about all the things anymore that annoy me so much. And it’s ME I have to take care of, my health, my mind and my happiness.
So, screw you, W, thanks for the experiences, some nice and happy ones too, I have to admit that, and good riddance! No one is perfect! And neither are you with your know-it-all attitude, which I took in better stride than many other women would! Be happy with your daughters, they got what they wanted, being rid of your “bad girlfriend”!
And by the way? I love to be bad! It’s good to be bad! I don’t have to be nice to everyone! I don’t have to like everyone! And I can show it, if I want to! I don’t have to care what other people think about me, if I don’t want to! It sets me free! I can do whatever I want! I can buy as many books as I want! I can have two desks in my study, I can have an extra wardrobe just for my evening wear and one for my lingerie, just because I can! I can display my shoes and bags because they are worthy of display! And I can write again! Without holding back, because this had been taken away from me as well …