Being alone and single again I’ve been asking myself recently: what do I want? What do I really want? And basically, the answer is quite simple. I just want everything to be back the way it was. Well, everything IS back the way it was. As if the past two years hadn’t happened. And that’s good for me too. But that’s not what I’m talking about. It goes back way farther. I want my parents back. And Aunt Do. And my uncles. I want to laugh and enjoy the get-togethers we had. Simple visits, festivities, holidays. It didn’t matter. We always had fun. Before they became sick. I want to feel loved again. Hugged. Spoiled the way just parents manage to do. Or people very close to your heart. Because no matter how old you are, you will always be their child and being home means exactly that. And that’s what hurts the most. Making it hard to breathe. The knowledge that they are gone. That I don’t have a home to return to, no safety net, no safe haven. Not being cooked for. No birthday cakes. No one to really care. No one to give advice. Gone. They are gone.

What makes me mad, though? If someone proclaims, he’s not much into birthdays, Christmas, etc. but doesn’t even know what it feels like to not have a single gift to unwrap or have someone surprise you with flowers or a cake. Cause that’s normal for them. And more than often too unappreciated. Well, I know. I know how it feels like. It’s MY normal. And it’s awful.

And sometimes it’s so hard, watching my surroundings, my colleagues, knowing that most of them – even those who are way older than me – still have their parents. Still have a place to go for Sunday lunch occasionally to be spoilt with their favourite Sunday roast. And they don’t understand. How could they. Apart from that, since most of them have their own little family, married, with kids, it’s a totally different situation again.

The relationship issue? Of course, it would be nice to have someone to go on vacation with, share the important things of life, to find someone who really appreciates me and puts me first. But thinking back to the whole exhausting online dating thing … I’m not sure if I want to go through that again, certainly not now. Despite my loneliness, I can’t do this at the moment. And there is still “my old life”. Which is important to me too. And good for me! And frankly, I wouldn’t know how to deal with the situation if everything changed …

So, that’s what I want. And I know I will never get that back. I’ll just have to muddle through, go on and try to be happy with myself and what I have, right? XOXO, MJ


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