… or: learning from past mistakes.

Having too much time on my hands due to the pandemic and – as usual – too much time to think, I can’t help but come to the conclusion that I’ve been too nice and generous in the past. With people who didn’t really deserve it. Especially with HIM and HIS awful family.

Why in the hell was I selling too much of MY stuff before moving in together, losing tons of money in the process? Not that he ever really appreciated it, he didn’t care anyway! But still, it rankles … looking at the pictures I still have stored on my notebook of all the things I gave away or sold on Ebay … and sometimes I think of some of the things … and I apologize to my dead father for giving away / selling the white-blue woven carpet he lugged back from Iran. (One for me, one for my sister.) Or the oriental mini-skewers one could use for antipasti and pickles. Or the coffee porcelain set I inherited from a great-great aunt. Or … there’s too much to count. And I still start crying when I see a similar comfy chair to the one from the 30s I had to give away to bulky waste, being destroyed, just like that. Because of no space. Stupid, stupid, stupid! At least I could save my father’s tallboy.

Why in the hell was I donating so much of my stuff to a charity organization to resell it? Just because of no space, again! (Well, my consolation is that at least I was doing something good, helping an organization who employs long-time unemployed people and making low-income people happy with some of my stuff they could actually afford and buy cheaply.) 

Why in the hell was I so stupid to support my ex with 100€ a month when his awful daughter moved out to live in her own apartment, because she couldn’t move back in with her mother and sister? Because they couldn’t live with her either? Why, why, why? 

Why in the hell was I bringing back souvenirs for him and his brood when in the end nothing what I did before mattered anyway? And I was the bad one?

Why in the hell did I leave behind some of my Hutschenreuther china, out of false generousness because he wouldn’t have dishes after my leaving? Or clothes hangers (the expensive slim line flocked ones)? Or my expensive heavy duty garage shelves? Why was I so stupid? Throwing money away? 

Why in the hell did I let his relatives take some of my kitchen appliances and flatware? Just like that? Like my relatively new electric kettle? Which I had then to buy new!? Or the plush red carpet which I now could have used for my study to keep my feet warm while working?

Why did I pay for half of my birthday present – having the car deep cleaned and polished – because I felt bad about the price? Not being used to generous gifts and as usual trying to be fair … I should have just taken it! Accepted it! I was generous enough! And lost enough money!

Why? Why? Why? I was really stupid! Too excited to move in with someone for the first time in my life. Expecting to have a loving and caring relationship the way my parents had. The way my dad treated my mum. Big disappointment! BIG disappointment! Is it German men? Probably they are just unable to be warm hearted and caring, generous … Or maybe I just caught the wrong one!

But it was a lesson I obviously had to learn. To not change for other people. To stick to what’s important to me! Never again …


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