GUILTY AS CHARGED II

Good morning! I bet you can hardly wait for part 2 of the best dumbest laws I could find. This time some other parts of California and New York are on my list and I hope I won’t disappoint you.

1. In LA it is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.The question is: Who is paying the fine and who is going to prison? The dog? After all a dog is responsible for his actions! And of course it’s even more intriguing to mate within 500 yards of a church than 501. Where would be the fun in that?
2. It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss in Pasadena.For women whose husbands have secretaries these are really good news. But just for those in Pasadena. If you live in Burbank … just bad luck! Maybe all offices should move to Pasadena. Plus most of the lawyers cause I’m expecting a lot of lawsuits.
3. It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner in San Francisco.Darn, I really have to remember that the next time I’m riding my horse up and down the streets in San Francisco. One should always be careful to distribute the manure equally to several street corners! Don’t you just miss the good old Wild West?
4. In New York the penalty for jumping off a building is death!Yes, you’ve read correctly. If you aren’t already dead, the rescuers and doctors will just keep you lying there, waiting until you’ve turned up your toes. Under no circumstances they are to help you! That would be a big offense! I wonder who had this brilliant idea!
5. A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket in New York. Is that an ice cream cone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (This one was obvious, wasn’t it?) And why only on Sundays? What happens Monday till Saturday? Won’t the ice cream melt as quickly on weekdays and make the front of your pants look as if you’ve had an accident?
6. In Carmel, New York, a man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.Yeah, that’s a big crime indeed, to be punished with execution immediately! I absolutely agree! What would all those five tourists say if they saw a guy wearing a striped pink jacket and frog green dotted pants? What a disgrace!
7. In New York, women may go topless in public providing it is not being used as a business.Hey, hey! How generous and unusually open minded! Just imagine all the women would go topless all of a sudden, just when another law states that it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. Contradiction my ass!!! 
8. Also in the state of New York a license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.What an ingenious way to bring back money into the empty cash-boxes of a bankrupt state. And … I was just wondering … would you really want your laundry to smell like exhaust gases?

Well, for those of you who want to check out more dumb laws, here you can find them: www.dumblaws.com. Have fun and don’t break any laws! Or are you already crying because of all the laws you are breaking? Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone!

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GUILTY AS CHARGED I

Being incredibly bored one of these days I spent a few hours on the World Wide Web, looking for nothing in particular really. And came across a page that made me laugh out loud. I knew I couldn’t keep the best dumb American laws from you. Since my US travels so far have mainly led me to California and New York, those states obviously mostly attracted my attention. Have fun!

1. No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour in California!Well, considering the fact that you’re already deliriously happy when you manage to even reach 60 mph on LA’s streets and highways or are in no danger at all of breaking that law if you are the lucky owner of K.I.T.T. … or one of those new Teslas which regularly drive you off the cliffs. Another option, of course, would be your son’s tuned up remote control car. The law also doesn’t claim whether animals count as drivers or not. I bet you could train monkeys to not take the wheel at your Tesla car.
2. Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths and elephants in California.Hm, let me think! I’m convinced no one would like to have snails as pets. They’re just boring. They are so slow you get bored by just looking at them. On the other hand, you’d have no problem catching them. Elephants? Oh my God! I’d love to have an elephant on my terrace, crapping it up, trampling my non-existent balcony flowers and eating whatever elephants eat. But at least my non-existent kids can have fun riding them. Do miniature elephants count too?
3. In Baldwin Park, California, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.Apart from the question how one ever manages to do that … shouldn’t everyone be allowed to do what he wants in HIS own swimming pool? So, guys, keep cycling in YOUR swimming pools, I won’t tell anyone!!!
4. In Chico, California, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.Well, tell that to the terrorists! I bet that would scare them to death, having to pay $500 bucks. And for everyone else who considers detonating a nuclear device … forget that! There won’t be anyone left to collect the fine if you detonate a nuclear bomb. And you will be neither! Unless you have one of these 60s bunkers, stocked for the next 20 or so years! By then 500 bucks will probably be worth 50 cents.
5. It is illegal to drive more than 2000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.Sheep? Why sheep? What about cows? Or chickens? Or ducks? 2000 are ok? What if you have 2001 sheep? Will you have to leave one behind? Have I missed some farming industry in Hollywood? Well, I guess we have to consider that this law is actually from a few years back where Hollywood Boulevard probably wasn’t more than a large dirt road. But I still like the image of today’s Hollywood Boulevard with 2000 sheep bleating and trotting along …

Well, enough for laughter for today! But don’t worry! Look forward to dumb New York laws next week! Yours dumbly, M

THINGS I WOULD NEVER BUY

Oh yes, they exist, they actually exist! Things I wouldn’t buy for all the money in the world. (Or rather, for as little money as possible, basically getting them for free!) I know, you can hardly believe it, knowing me and my shopping addicted self. Unable to walk away from sales, 2-for-1 offers and all the other awesome shopping opportunities presented to each of us every single day.

Curious what’s so terribly awful that I wouldn’t buy ever? Never ever? Guess, I shouldn’t keep you waiting much longer for my Top 10 list:

1. Selfie stick: yep, that’s right! It’s the most ridiculous thing that has been invented. Merely capable of killing yourself or others, in the most ridiculous ways ever. Like falling off all kinds of structures, sights, natural wonders, poking out all kinds of body parts, getting struck by lightning, being killed by any vehicle possible … the list is endless. Not to mention that you look absolutely ridiculous posing and holding the stick with your cell phone in your hands.
2. Birkenstocks, Crocs: I know, Heidi Klum wore them. But that doesn’t make them any less ugly. Yeah, don’t tell me, they are sooo comfortable. Just like those butt ugly plastic Crocs. My only concession in these regards? Crocs flip flops. They do look halfway decent and I wear them for walking to the waste bins.
3. Thermomix: No, no no no! Not for me! I’m boringly using knives, cutting boards and pots and pans to cook my meals. I enjoy the process of cooking and the imagination of throwing all just together and let a machine do the work, with precise recipes when to add what … that’s just not my thing. (Not to mention the space requirements to put up such a thing! I’d rather have a Kitchenaid stand mixer instead … as displayed in every single interior decoration magazine … so classy!) Well, maybe it might be a nice addition to your appliances if you have annoying kids at home to not have to take care of the cooking as well … but apart from that? Nope!
4. A German car: ohhh, I can hear the protests from here to the other side of the world! “German cars are the best!” Yeah, probably! But also so very boring! Especially if you live in Germany, where every second car is a German car. I love my not so common British car and probably will go for the French Peugeot next. Which comes right after the Landrover range …
5. Garden gnome: alright, I don’t have a garden, so a garden gnome is not really on my shopping list. But I do have a balcony, and who says one can’t put garden gnomes on a balcony? I wonder what my cat would say to that? Either completely ignore it or hit it with its paws … telling me what it thinks about me and my awful ideas.
6. Air pods: paying 150€ for a pair and losing one in the first couple of weeks for certain! I just remember a piece in my favourite comic magazine MAD where lost air pods can be found again … I rest my case! 
7. Onesies: Oh my, this is bad, this is really bad! Onesies for adults! Only acceptable if you are in a movie playing a character from times long ago or … no, there is no other reason to wear such a thing. Getting goose bumps just by thinking about those ugly pieces.
8. Bunny slippers (Simpsons slippers, tiger claw slippers and everything else similar): no, they are not cute! They are ridiculous! And can only be worn with closed drapes and in the solitude at home, so no one can see. As in being completely alone, to hide away before opening the door to any other human being. The absolute extent of ugliness are my Marks&Spencer fluffy slippers to protect my cold stockinged feet from the cold winter floor while sitting at my home office desk … and are hidden away beneath it in my study. They are wonderfully warm, I have to admit that. And I can’t wait to get back to the UK to stock up on some more colours to be appropriately dressed beneath my desk to match my comfy sweatshirts. (Besides, mine are slowly disintegrating …)

Well, I guess that’s it for now! I will keep my eyes peeled for more stuff I wouldn’t be caught dead buying! (After all, one always needs a couple of backup articles in case I’m stuck again …) Happy shopping!!!

I SEE BUNNIES

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Bunnies, bunnies everywhere! Easter is here again – and finally the lockdown is less lockdowny. As in, some more shops have been opened up again – even though most of them require an appointment to actually let you browse their wares – and my first, most urgent task was to hit the garden center to stock up on spring flowers and primroses especially. Sadly, I’m in decorating mood again, which is completely new to me for Easter. Of course, I remember the Easter back home. We used to be in Styria in the later years and there always were kitten branches decorated with real blown-out coloured eggs. And Aunt Do used to provide all of us with small bunches of kitten branches with tiny colourful bows, blessed on Palm Sunday, which replaced the ones from the previous Easter and would be with us until the following year. I’m not religious, as you know by now, but I still do appreciate the one or other tradition. Keeping them in my heart and remember. I wish, I would have kept some of my Mum’s Easter decoration. But it’s gone, just like so much else.

So, just like Christmas, I’m going all in this Easter. Not just the usual Austrian food, but also decorating my heart out. Bunnies, Easter eggs, flowers, egg shaped candles … concentrated on my dining table.

I even considered baking the traditional “Reindling”, a yeast dough cake with lots of cinnamon and raisins. But, well, it’s quite time consuming and so far, I haven’t invested in a Kitchenaid style mixer for kneading dough yet. The thought, that I even considered taking the effort to bake such a cake … for the first time ever … that tells me a lot. Especially that I’m happy, content despite the circumstances. Embracing and appreciating everything much more. 

Well, the smoked ham is cooked, the smoked sausages as well – the sad remains from my last Austria trip two years ago, so it’s high time to go back and stock up my freezer -, I got the sweet white bread, Austrian cheese, tomatoes and radishes, the horseradish and of course, the hard-boiled coloured eggs (from the farmer’s market). Not to forget some sourdough bread and salt for the first bite to wish myself and my cat a happy Easter, thinking of my loved ones and the happy times we had together. I miss them so much, especially on days like this. But I’m holding up our traditions as best as I can (even without the blessing of the Easter meat at church). Never forgetting, remembering. With a laughing and a crying eye. Happy Easter, you all!