DISILLUSIONED

Once again, a totally irrelevant photo … but at least a cute one

We were lied to. Plain and simple. Lied to from Day 1 after the takeover from the new company. They welcomed us grandly with a huge welcome party, telling us how happy they were to join forces with us. One big family. And, as you know, I was quite happy to be part of the new company, optimistic, since they had subsidiaries in Austria and I had hoped they would find a way for me to remain working in my department, just from back home.

Well, as you already know, my hopes were crushed shortly before Christmas when they announced that there won’t be a solution for me. And now I know why. Because they just didn’t want to, were just not interested and already knew that my job would be a goner anyway … and little Austrian me being totally irrelevant. Like an annoying little bug asking again and again whether there would be any way to remain part of this company … but let me start at the beginning. The beginning of the end.

One month after the grand welcome party the new company shocked us with the announcement that they would shut down several locations, some of them in Germany, the one in Austria and others around the world because they wanted to discontinue the one or other product. Not even service and spare parts were continued, resulting in annoying customers left and right. This decision put the first chink in our trust to the new owners. But we were confident at our location – since we had the products and know how they were actually interested in, furthermore we had exceeded our planned numbers despite more difficult conditions due to the pandemic and inflation – that our jobs would be relatively safe. Which was also proclaimed one month ago at the staff meeting. Showing that employee numbers at my location would basically remain the same.

Last week they finally showed their true colours. 43% of employees would be laid off (two third at my department), positions moved to “best cost countries”. (Best cost my ass! More like lowest cost!) They proclaimed that they had looked at the numbers closely only recently and decided that this was a necessary step.

Yep, tell me again that this was a recent decision! Please tell me! I don’t believe it for a second! I don’t believe a single word they are saying anymore! I bet they had been planning this from the very beginning! And that pisses me off even more! Loudly pronouncing that their core values are “trust” and “honesty”. And employees being the most important. My ass! Pure mockery! And disrespect towards the new employees who trusted them to find a new professional home, giving their all. In my special case, it’s not much of an issue, my future plans don’t involve this company anymore anyway. But my colleagues … shocked, distraught, angry, worried. And I completely understand, having been in this situation myself a couple of times, being partly responsible for my depressive episodes.

Wanna know what’s going to happen to my location after the reduction to approximately half the staff? They will suck out all the knowledge and when they have what they want, the German location will be a thing of the past more quickly than you can say “Booo”. My estimation? 2025 or 2026, the latest. And they won’t care one bit. Just another competitor successfully destroyed.

I can’t tell you how disgusted I am. Disgusted and disillusioned. And I hope I will find some more “peace” at my new job, with a company which still values its employees and treats them decently.

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ALONE

My home companion

Home Office coffee break treat

Remember one of my past posts about solitude? How much I need it and enjoy it? Nothing much has changed in these regards. I still crave the peace and quiet I have at home. Appreciating the opportunity of working from home, where I’m much more productive and can concentrate on my work. Despite the frequent calls, also some of which are just a few minutes chatting to catch up on my closest colleagues’ lives. 

Am I lonely? At times I am. Not sad lonely. Not the desperation I felt in my depressive days, thinking of my dead parents and yearning for someone next to me, sharing my life and everything. But lonely nevertheless. Thinking about the fact that I am pretty alone here in Germany. Even with the one or other friend, my special friend, my cat. But with the feeling, nevertheless, that if anything happened to me, there wouldn’t be anyone to either take care of my cat or visit me in hospital. Maybe I’m wrong and they would, but it’s just the way I feel.

Why? Well, friends No 1 and 2 are hours away, friend No 3 is only half an hour away but always busy, friends No 4 and 5 probably would visit, being here in the same town … and my special friend … well, since it’s complicated, I couldn’t count on it. The others are acquaintances and colleagues and those I could probably count on the least. Or maybe not? I don’t know!

At home? My aunts are there, my sister, my cousin, my friends – long-time and close friends. Knowing they would be there for me the same way I’d be there for them. The way they have always been there for me. And that’s one of the reasons it’s time for me to go home. To feel protected, safe and less lonely again, surrounded by warmth and love all around.

My greatest fear? That something unforeseeable happens and I’m stuck here indefinitely … I couldn’t bear that! But I have to trust that everything will work out the way it should! And that soon I will be back where I belong! Home!

NOT MY THING

Totally irrelevant photo …

Darn, I should have got up last night after all to write down what was on my mind. Now I just rememberthe title and an inkling of what I wanted to say. But the gist of it was and is: I don’t like kids. (And teenagers even less!) There are exceptions, of course, even though they are quite rare and usually come down to well-mannered kids of friends and acquaintances. But overall, I just don’t like them. You will never see me oohing and aahing into the pram of a stranger, telling the proud mother how cute her child is or ask silly questions. (I’m more inclined to ooh and aah when seeing a cute animal …) You will also never hear me deliberately move a conversation to children with non-friends. I really couldn’t care less. (Maybe I should get Melania Trump’s legendary parka after all …) The thought of becoming pregnant is a constant panic issue which leads to double protection and pregnancy tests every two to three months. Just to be on the safe side! Could you imagine the horror? ME becoming pregnant? Not an option! Pregnancy? Motherhood? Not my thing!

Shocking, I know! And very, very bad of me to even admit something like that. I can hear the indignant über-mothers complaining loudly and telling me what an awful person I am (while secretly some of them will sigh silently, wishing their before-kids-lives back). And you wonder … why? Why, oh why doesn’t she like kids? They are the apples of our earth, our future, bla bla bla blaaaa … sure, looking at today’s offspring and the one from my generation (which are in their twenties, teens or producing their own offspring already) … what brilliant future generation will we have before us? Spoiled rotten by parents who think anti-authoritarian education is de rigueur. Kids who don’t manage to follow the most basic rules of politeness like greeting and saying “Thank you”! (Which makes me despise the parents nearly as much for failing so badly. And I could kick their butts from here to the next solar system when observing their ignorance, leaving their brats on their own devices, letting them jump up and down chairs, screaming and crying, doing whatever they want, just watching stupidly and not saying anything to put them in their places!) With their ambitions and only aim to get ahead in life, no matter the costs, stopping at nothing, without any sense of camaraderie, friendship and care for others. With grandparents and other relatives just good enough for providing gifts and money. A telephone call? A visit? What for? Sooo boring …

I sensed the first shift in bad manners of the little ones in my last two years at school. (Yes, that early, and ages ago, being in my 40s. There, I said it!) I remember when I started my higher education at the age of 10, the 18-year-olds were like gods to us! We used to look up to them admiringly. When we came across them in the hallways we pressed ourselves close to the walls to not hinder their way and attract attention. When I was in my final year? WE basically had to press ourselves to the walls so as to not being run down by the little impudent pricks, who had no respect at all, talking back to you whenever they could.

The next shift I realized in the later years at university. When I started, even though I was the youngest and newest addition to our small community of ceramics students, I was included into their group immediately. Partying together, helping out with student papers and material, a close-knit group … I felt right at home, was one of them. Sadly, most of them finished a couple of years later … and what followed was more or less what I had experienced in my last years at school. Colleagues who only looked at their gain, refusing to help or lend transcripts. Well, not all were that bad, but I discovered that especially the female student body tended to act meanly and as if they were the brightestchicks on earth. And it’s getting worse … my ex-partner’s daughter and kids / teens in my own family are the best example. And I shudder in disgust just thinking about them …

To round this article up quite nicely … working as a tutor for too many years didn’t exactly improve my view of children (even though, as I have already disclosed in another post, there were some, I did like and care about). So, here I am! Saying those four little bad words! Which are not to be said publicly, because one just does not do that. But I do. Because I like to be bad!

THE LONG WAY HOME

Nearly empty

And already gone …

Cat on a hot pink pillow

We love banana boxes

It all started … but you already know that. You know that one year ago my plan started to take form to get back home as quickly as possible.

Well, the initial plan to move my current job to the subsidiary in Austria and comfortably work from my home office there has vanished into thin air. Resulting in my decision to look for a new job, as sad as I am that I will have to leave a job I immensely like and colleagues I immensely enjoy working with. But, as you might have realized by now – just like everyone else – my priority is to move back home. As soon as possible. (And yes, I fear the day I will have to say goodbye to HIM, my special friend! Something I cannot bear thinking about yet …)

My planning actually started many, many months ago. Collecting the first banana boxes to pack for my fall trip to Austria. And after my short September vacation the real planning started. The employees of my two favourite grocery stores within walking distance were either smiling or sighing occasionallywhen I hit them with an “Any empty banana boxes for me today?” at least twice a week. Well, what else was I supposed to do? I had estimated that I would need approximately 180-200 banana boxes for all the stuff distributed throughout my 100 sqm apartment. And one just can´t manage to collect this amount in a matter of a couple of weeks. Particularly, since I only managed to carry four boxes back home in one go. And, compared to my other moves, I had to discover, that the large stores would not keep back and reserve boxes, so you were either in luck when driving there or not … how annoying! Hence, I mostly just graced those two stores close-by and carried them home like a crazy cardboard box collecting person.

By the way, shortly before Christmas I had reached my goal, collecting 165 boxes, the amount I actually need! How I know? Gee, how to explain without sounding like a complete nutcase? Oh well, there it goes. Whenever I brought home empty boxes I started to pack them with items not needed for everyday life. Like my photo albums, read books, DVDs, decorating items, etc etc. I even trial packed some boxes for later packing, making notes what issupposed to go into – let’s say – box number 58 and in the course of time, I could reduce my initial box estimate by more than 30 boxes. Which will be quite some space saved in the moving truck. 

And yes, I do have a detailed list on paper (and in Excel form) to quickly find which item is in which numbered box in case I do need something from one of them. Did you expect anything less from organized list lover me?

Now, it’s the beginning of March, my first job applications have been sent out, I’ve had my first interviews and others lined up and my apartment looks like a big box storage area, with the first pieces of furniture either already sold or still available on ebay. Pieces I know I won’t take with me. A more detailed moving and furniture plan will only be possible when I have A) a new job and B) a new apartment. Trying to be prepared as well as possible.

Until then I’m living with emptied out shelves with only my unread books still displayed, empty glass cases, bare walls and the mere necessities in terms of dishes, mugs and cooking equipment. My plants are basically providing the only decoration at this point.(Having sold or given away some of them as well!Approximately 15, I think!) Weird, right?

And on top of that I only spent around 20 bucks for groceries this past month … trying to use up stored groceries and frozen food. Trying to empty out my freezer as well. Which is hard work, believe it or not! Not knowing how long I still have, it might be a few weeks or a few months. Being in some kind of limbo until everything is settled and my long way home will come to an end! Being back where I belong!