Killer on the loose II

Remember me? I’m the buginator, equipped with all kinds of bug killing equipment and methods. In my last posting my Louboutin shoes plus boxes, Chanel No 5 and liquid nitrogen found use in my bug hunt. And since you’re reading this right now I presume you’d like to know what else I have come up with.

  • Poison! I love poison! The more the merrier! Your home improvement retailer is a wonderful source to get all kinds of bug sprays and I enjoy nothing more than buying everything available. I also got a special tool belt in which to store all those cans and you can see me sneaking around, armed to the teeth to spray kill a fly, an ant, a cockroach, a wasp, a mosquito, a spider … you name it, I got the right poison to kill it!
  • Your car! The faster you drive the more bugs you’ll kill on the way! The bigger your car, the more bugs you’ll kill! So, what’s the conclusion? Buy big cars and drive fast to kill off as many bugs as possible! The downside? It might be a wee bit difficult to use your car in your house just to hunt down one bug.
  • Shoot it! A) You get some shooting practice in case someone dares to break into your house – or you need to accidentally kill off your husband! (Oops, sorry, Darling! You were in the bug’s way!) B) It’s fun! C) It’s even more fun! D) Hey, you always wanted to remodel anyway! Those few holes look quite charming and give your house character! You could also brag to your guests that Bugsy Malone lived in your suburban house, hiding from the Feds. Apart from that, big hunts are the new party games!
  • Your new flame thrower! Who doesn’t have a flame thrower at home? They can be so useful! And if you don’t have one yet, it’s high time you get one! Naturally bugs are not fire resistant and the plus point is you don’t have to scrape off bloody remains. Bugs incinerate instantly, leaving either a crispy corpse or ash behind! On the other hand, there’s some soot to deal with! But smoky interiors are so IN now, I tell you!
  • Drowning! May require some leisure time, since bugs are very difficult to drown. So, if you’ve got a little spare time on your hands and are of the masochist kind, that’s the way to go!
  • Should everything else fail or you’re just too lazy to get the killing done yourself, professional exterminators will do the job for you! Hunting down every single one of those annoying little buggers, having fun by doing so!

Well, I hope I’ve given you a few inspirations! I’m always open for more bug killing methods, yours M

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Killer on the loose I

I hate bugs! I can’t tell you how much I hate everything that crawls and stalks and slimes its way around the house. If I see a spider hanging from the corner of the living room ceiling I start screaming – hysterically. Until someone comes and puts it away. (Wishful thinking!) With no white knight coming to my rescue I’ve developed a few very ingenious and effective ways to murder even the tiniest mosquito. Since I’m surely not the only hysterical woman who starts screaming from the top of her lungs whenever she sees a spider AND has to deal with it ALONE, I thought I’d give you the one or other tip how to get rid of all kinds of bugs for good.

  • Your Louboutin shoe box: simple, but very effective! Louboutin shoe boxes are made of strong cardboard, therefore the danger of destroying the box by using too much force is minimal. Instructions: Wait, until your wasp-spider-bug is sitting somewhere completely still, take the box and smash it right onto your fiend. Voilà, you’ve got a smashed, dead bug. The downside? It’s sticking either to the window glass, the wall or your shoe box. In either cases some cleaning is required – or new paint! It’s also a good way to explain your brand new Louboutins to your husband! I won’t take any responsibilities for Prada boxes, though!
  • Your Louboutin shoes: But only those with the really, really high and spiky heels! As could already be seen on the TV series “CSI”, high heels are marvellous murder weapons. Even cockroaches won’t survive being pinned to the floor by a 10 inch heel. I would not recommend velvet covered heels, though. Cockroach intestines don’t clean off too well. (And I’m talking from experience!) On the other hand … you’ve got another excuse to buy a new pair! And one can never have too many! In case you don’t want to use your Louboutins after all … any designer brand will have to do!
  • Chanel No 5! Bugs don’t like Chanel No 5! Why? I don’t know! Maybe it’s too expensive for their taste! Just spray them and they will stop doing whatever they were doing, stunned, deliriously waiting for you to kill them off! You wonder whether other perfumes will do the trick too? Well, I wouldn’t count on it!
  • There’s nothing better than liquid nitrogen! A quick N2 shower and your least favourite bug is freeze dried! The advantage? By smashing it you won’t leave any unwelcome gooey and bloody stains. Just take a broom and off they go! Out the door, becoming mulch again! BUT! Don’t forget to smash them to pieces! Otherwise they might thaw and become alive again! Haunting you to take revenge!

Ohhh no! Running out of space! I’m not done by a long shot! The bug killer will be back next Saturday! And until then: happy hunting!

My American Favourites

Ever think about the things you love about your favourite countries? I do! And of course, I don’t want to keep my thoughts from you!

My favourite American car: Can I say Range Rover? Oops, wrong country! Hm, American car … let me think about it! … Corvette Stingray! Definitely! Sooo hot!

My favourite American book: A dangerous question, since I own about 900 English ones, with at least half of them from American authors. I’m not that dull to name classics like Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye”. No, I’d rather go with Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”. But maybe I should be more specific and categorize …

My favourite American movie: Ohhh, you can’t really expect me to name only one movie of 100 years of movie making. That’s just impossible … I wouldn’t know what you would think of me if I said, “Die hard”!?

My favourite American store: If I can spend money in it, I’ll love it!

My favourite American city: New York City. I can’t help it! Just adore it! For a shopaholic like me it’s heaven! But I’m not that shallow all the time! I enjoy Broadway and all those wonderful museums as well!

My favourite American sight: Isn’t there anything more terrific than 5th Avenue? No, seriously, get me back to Monument Valley and I’m in heaven, literally, since it’s a holy place and you can feel the power of the ancients everywhere you go.

My favourite American appliance: definitely the garbage disposal unit in the kitchen sink … it’s so much fun disposing of everything you don’t need anymore. Like your husband …

My favourite American invention: Post-its. Where would we be without Post-its? They are stuck everywhere at my place!

My favourite American writing place: every single Starbucks of course! And apart from that … the higher up the better …

My favourite American male, dead movie star: Cary Grant! No doubt about it! Could swoon every time I see him on TV.

My favourite American female, dead movie star: Katherine Hepburn – she was one of the greatest women in Hollywood ever! Far ahead in her time in terms of emancipation!

My favourite American food: Unfortunately, everything!

My favourite American president: Not the current one, that goes without saying!

My favourite American building: Chrysler building! Welcome to the 20s, my favourite era …

My favourite American ghost: The ones on the Queen Mary of course!

My favourite American … ah, I guess I have bored you enough for this week! I’m pretty sure this one will have a continuation at one point … Have a great weekend! “American” hugs and kisses

It’s the end …

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… of the month and once again I’m totally broke. My bank account is wiped clean as if someone had threatened to punch me if I didn’t give him all my money. But, of course the only perpetrator is ME! ME alone! I’m the one who constantly runs from one ATM to the next to get the next 50 bucks because I’ve seen something I just have to have. (Alright, you caught me! Mostly I pay with my debit or credit card anyway! But the imagination of myself running around looking for ATMs is so much funnier, isn’t it?)

Living in a town with a decent shopping center is evil. It’s evil because there are so many temptations. Especially for a woman. Especially for a woman like me who loves shopping! And it’s even worse to have really large towns in the near vicinity of a one hour’s drive.

I leave the house to get toothpaste and come home with three bags full of drugstore stuff. (Because I always find things I need to stock up on: dishwasher cleaner, wet wipes, Q tips, nail polish remover, …)

Or just take last week! I needed a birthday present for a very dear friend and since I didn’t know what to get yet I decided to make an appearance at the nearest shopping center. I guess you are thinking now, “M, M, you should have known better! We know you are a shopping addict! That just can’t go well!”

And you are right! I should have listened to my inner voices as well which were arguing non-stop, going like that:

Angel-Me: Remember, you are just looking for a birthday present!

Devil-Me: Remember, you are not only looking for a birthday present! There are those cute red high heels you saw a couple of weeks ago!

Angel-Me: You don’t need red shoes! You have at least three pairs in your closet!

Devil-Me: One can never have enough shoes!

Angel-Me: When are you going to wear those close to 100 pairs, huh?

Devil-Me: One can never have enough shoes!

Angel-Me: Can you hear me sighing?

Devil-Me (in a sing-song voice): I can’t hear anything! Nanananana!

Angel-Me: Let me remind you, you only have €100 left!

Devil-Me: You have €100 left! What’s keeping you?

Angel-Me: You still need to buy groceries!

Devil-Me: Pah, who needs food anyway? You love pasta! Pasta is cheap!

Angel-Me: Don’t listen to the Devil, M!

Devil-Me: Don’t listen to the Angel, M!

Angel-Me: Oh, shut up!

Devil-Me: I’m not shutting up! I win! I always win!

Angel-Me: Nah, you don’t! But I’ll have you have your way for once!

So, there you have it! The devil in me won and I not only got the birthday present but als the red high heels! And my bank account? Wiped clean! But at least I’ve got my new shoes which go perfectly with my dark blue Armani pencil skirt and white blouse!

(No, don’t worry, I didn’t have to live just on pasta for a week! I had rice and potatoes too! And at the office? I treated myself to rolled oats with frozen blueberries, honey and water!)

Jag är Svenska …

… and together with Malm, Hemnes, Kallax, Bodbyn, Nordli, Pax, Ektorp, Kivik, Strandmon, Liatorp, Gurli and … oh, yeah, right … Billy … those are the only Swedish words I know. Guess, the mystery is out now and you already know what this posting will be all about! Yep! My one and only favourite furniture store of all times! Do I really have to say it? IKEA! Ikea, Ikea, Ikea! And lucky me the next store is only half an hour drive away. And as you can imagine I’m a regular visitor there … uhm, “visitor” is probably not exactly the correct word. Well paying customer cuts more to the chase. The only time I didn’t buy anything there was two days before I ordered my Ikea kitchen and just went there to check out the cabinets and pick the appliances for my planning. (I can’t believe it either that I managed to walk out of there without any tea lights or at least an orchid …)

Someone once told me I’m an Ikea junkie and I wholeheartedly agree. Sadly, I have to. What else would you call someone who knows which piece to find where, not even bothering to look left or right because I’ve already seen it a dozen times and am just there to hurry through to get what I’m there for … you know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Come on, admit it, you are just like me.

When I started to write this piece I got curious and did some research in my own apartment. And couldn’t believe it … I actually have 81 pieces of Ikea furniture (with merely 7 large non-Ikea pieces) including lamps. Not included the various storage boxes, pillows, bed linens, flower pots, kitchen towels, towels, curtains, candles, candle holders, plants and watering cans (all in every available colour to fit into the various rooms, like my lavender watering can in the walk-in closet, dark green in my bedroom, yellow in my study … and even more colours just in case I want to redecorate the one or other room like red, turquoise, orange … yep, the crazy me is showing again!)

So, what’s so special about Ikea? I mean, it’s not as if you can’t get tea lights anywhere else. Or other affordable furniture at various furniture store chains.

Why do we like this Swedish chain so much? I mean, if you consider it, it’s kind of embarrassing to identify every single piece of Ikea furniture in other apartments or even on TV shows. Proving that your stuff is nothing special because thousands, millions are buying exactly the same you do! Is it the classic and simple style? Affordable for basically everyone? Available to take away immediately? Easy to assemble? Probably all of those things and more!

Such a shame I’m basically fully furnished … guess I’ll have to keep redecorating then to make up for not getting new furniture. Maybe it will be red next for the bedroom and orange for the dining room?

 

A dog’s life

Some time back I posted an article about the latest toddler fashion. You remember? Wigs! Now guess what the hottest fashion accessories for our best friends are? Right! Wigs! Wigs for dogs! You want your poodle to look like Paris Hilton? No problem! Just get a blond wig and stuff “Poopsie” either into a gold glitter outfit or fashionable orange jumpsuit! And there you go! Your very own Paris Hilton!

You want your Chihuahua look like former President Bush? No problem either! The right wig, cowboy footsies and a little cowboy hat and voilà. Bush on vacation! Current President Trump? Well, get creative! It’s not that hard! Just make sure you get the right signature wig and there you go!

As you can imagine I was a little stunned reading about dog wigs! Toddler wigs in Donald Trump and Bob Marley fashion were bad enough! But dog wigs? Who had the – I have to admit brilliant – idea inventing dog wigs? Where exactly is this going? Should I look out for wigged cats, rats, parrots and guinea pigs now? Let’s just consider zoo animals with wigs for a  moment … a sure way to increase the income … are you laughing as loud as I am? Picturing cute monkeys with pink wigs, lions in Elvis style (never goes out of style), elephants in president fashion … ohhh, what a terrific idea!

As you all know, together with Paris, Milan and London, New York is THE fashion hot spot. And just this February another fashion show is going to wow people! You know what’s coming now, right? Because THE fashion show of the year is the New York Pet Fashion Show. Big surprise? Not really, isn’t it? After all the babies have to be dressed accordingly when attending a dog birthday bash! Which might have a Sherlock Holmes theme, or Casanova, the roaring 20s, funky 70s Hippies, Madonna flashy 80s … but that’s for the special occasions!

On every day basis those little darlings need to be dressed in common day dresses, raincoats, suits … just for going out to pee and poop. I wonder if the wigs are in the way while … no, not going there! After all, you’re probably right in the middle of Sunday breakfast!

What else I’m wondering about!? Is it just me or is there going something terribly wrong? But I have to give credit to those who make money out of it! Lots of money! Lots and lots of money! As long as there are rich, lonely women out there, there will be … dog wigs!

www_internetjunkie_com

IMG_2744I confess! I should join the IJA – Internet Junkie Anonymous. I’m totally addicted to the World Wide Web. One day I’m not online and I’m a complete mess. Wondering what I might have missed, who has sent me an email, which ebay auction has ended without me, which new items have been added to my favourite fashion pages, what’s going on in Austria, England and the States …

Occasionally I treat myself to a whole internet Sunday, getting comfortable in my library chair with my Macbook, surround myself with all the essentials (food, beverages, smartphone, charger) and start surfing the net. Only to get up to stock up on more essentials or … you know what.

You wonder what makes me sit there for hours? Am I playing one of those online games? Wish I had time for that! But I don’t. I’m way too busy looking up homepages I found in various magazines. From fashion to interior decoration to anything that might interest me. And, as you probably know yourself, once you’ve started looking up something, you click your way through more and more sites. It never ends and three hours later you’ve still got a dozen addresses you haven’t looked up yet.

Apart from new sites there is an immense number of pages I already know and have to visit from time to time to get the latest gossip, fashion scoop from various fashion shows around the world, items to buy and Austrian news. After all I do want to know what the weather is like or which farmer accidentally fell from his tractor. (Yeah, you’re right, there’s a little more going on than farmers, car accidents and weather conditions! We do have a more or less working government I’m too bored to even think about! The most exciting thing that happened was the last election disaster for the new Austrian Federal President and the brand-new government with the youngest Chancellor ever!)

Back to the really important stuff! The WWW is a treasure trove. You can’t get your favourite cookies at your neighbourly grocery store? No problem, just order them! You’ve finally found the Star Trek prop you’ve been looking for all your life in a London based movie prop store? No big deal, you are one click away from fulfilling your dream. Your kid announces his report on a tiny Caribbean volcano no one has ever heard of is due tomorrow? Thanks God for the internet! The information is near to endless and you manage this nearly impossible task.

In my case, I’m particularly hooked on … well, everything. Or let me rephrase it, anything that has to do with shopping and … and … and … but that’s nothing new, is it? What did you expect? XXX, M

New Year Resolutions you will never keep

IMG_2841It’s the last day of 2017. Thanks God this year is over and a new one is about to begin! Everything will be better, right? Are you prepared for some heavy partying tonight to welcome 2018? How are your resolutions for this year coming along? Like …

  • I will stop smoking! I’ll just finish the dozen packs I have at home and that’s it! No more cigarettes! I’ll save sooo much money, gee I will be able to go on vacation for all the money I save! And neither my apartment nor myself will reek of cold smoke! My husband/boyfriend/kids/co-workers won’t complain anymore! Besides, I won’t have to stand outside anymore, sweating like a pig or freezing my butt off during coffee breaks. Even though I will miss the chats with other smokers. Quite interesting all the inside information one can get … nooo, you can’t do it! You can’t miss out on all the best gossip, that’s just cruel!
  • I will lose weight! This year is the year! The year I will slim down and not only lose the Xmas food pounds but also those I’ve been carrying around for years! I’ll only eat healthy food anymore! No carbs, no ice cream, no chocolate, no alcohol … How long will you make it? Two days? Two weeks? A month? If you’re managing one month … congratulations! You’ve lost your Xmas weight! But speaking from yearlong new year losing weight resolution experience I can tell you it won’t work! You’ll find excuses for everything or push Day Zero – as the start of your diet – farther and farther away!
  • I will do more sports! At least twice a week! I’ll become so fit I’ll be able to jog from one shop to another and therefore get much more shopping done in half the time. Which is why I’ve already paid the exorbitantly high fees for a posh fitness club! The more motivation the better, right? Wrong! Not even the prospect of spending more money will get you to the gym. Month for month you’ll kick yourself for paying useless fees because you can’t get out of your lifelong contract … Just face it! If you’ve never been a sports freak, you’ll never be. But hey, sex is sports too, isn’t it? That just HAS to count!
  • I will stop sticking my kid in front of the TV! I really will! Even though it’s so wonderfully convenient! I won’t mind playing with him/her all day, answering his/her annoying questions, popping Xanax pills to keep calm … Oh hell! TV is entertaining and educating and the best babysitter – all for nothing. After all even parents need some time for themselves! To do completely useless things like … watching TV.

Sounds familiar? How many times have you been enthusiastically announcing your resolutions for the New Year? Just to realize a few days later you’re on the best way of failing? Don’t worry! You’re not alone! I’ve done it, you’ve done it and we all will do it again! Which is why I don’t have any resolutions for this year! Apart from … Wishing you all the best for 2018! And thanks! To all those who are there for me! XOXO

Merry Christmas … but not for me

IMG_4161 2It’s one day before Christmas Eve. I’m sitting here in a nice café, which usually is the perfect place for me to get inspired. But guess what! I don’t have a single clue what to write! Looking outside everyone is in full Christmas mode, lugging around shopping bags, buying candied nuts at the Christmas market stalls, drinking mulled wine and enjoying Bratwurst, jacket potatoes and whatever delicacies of very fat food such a market has to offer.

And tomorrow Christmas Eve will be here, the evening we used to have festive family dinner, dressed nicely. And which I will spend alone again.

The way it was seems so incredibly long ago. Remembering my parents preparing everything, getting dressed up nicely, having dinner – fondue became a tradition in the later years – and after that … everyone had to leave the living room and wait until we heard the little porcelain bell announcing the “Christkind”. The magic was still there, even as an adult, as I entered the living room. The four candles on the Advent wreath and the ones on the room-high fir tree were burning, casting a warm light on all of us. My parents, my aunt, my uncle. With traditional Christmas songs playing and we couldn’t help crying to “Silent night” every time again, singing along, no matter how awful the one or other of us sounded. It didn’t matter. Having survived our emotional and melancholic few minutes, we all hugged each other, smiling and laughing, wishing each other “Merry Christmas” … before they got comfy on our living room couch and left the work of distributing the Christmas gifts piled underneath the tree to me. Since I was the youngest. (Yeah, not fair, I know!) The way I remember it, we always had fun. There might have been a little stress beforehand because according to my Mum everything had to be perfect. But apart from once in my childhood, I don’t remember a single Christmas with fights and bad moods. No matter where we were. Since we alternated celebrating in Styria and Carinthia. Even when my parents and my uncle were already sick. We still had a good time. And I think especially my Dad already knew this would be his last one.

So, for me those were MY Christmases. And the reason why I’m not celebrating anymore. At least for now. Being somewhere else, even at my sister’s … I would just be a guest. Other people’s rules, traditions and family. Not mine. Never mine. And I’m asking myself: What is Christmas? What is Christmas for me? Right now, I don’t know anymore. Because Christmas for me meant my parents, my aunt and uncle, my aunt Do and my grandmother. I never knew anything else. Until it all ended … one gone after another apart from my aunt … and I’m trying to find back to myself, to finally find someone who I can spend my life and Christmas with, with our own traditions. Combining his and mine. But until then … I just can’t. Can’t pretend. Can’t have my advent calendar. Can’t listen to traditional Christmas songs. Can’t have a tree. Because there won’t be any gifts underneath it for me anyway. So … Christmas Eve for me means being alone as usual, thinking of the past, grieving, with the only joy of keeping up the fondue tradition. I know my parents wouldn’t want that for me, they would want me to be happy, for me to think of the good times we had, to go on with my life and not live in the past, to celebrate Christmas the way we used to. But I can’t: Not yet. Not alone. And my memories are all I have left …

How to survive Christmas – Part II

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Hi there! Welcome back! Happy you are back here reading this week’s posting! Only a few days left! Which means, you’re either in Christmas mood, decorating everything and everyone – even your husband / boyfriend / partner – or you just want to survive the next week without killing anyone or falling into a deep depression. Before you start slaughtering those happy Christmas lovers I suggest you’d rather follow my instructions: we left off with No 9 last week, so guess what’s next!

10.) Whistle while you work! It will annoy your co-workers no end – especially if you tune in on Christmas carols or the BEST Christmas song ever: Last Christmas by Wham! – and cheer YOU up in the process. You might even succeed in turning former Christmas lovers into Christmas haters. Wouldn’t that be a nice change? Just imagine a work place without singing Santas, fake wreaths and mini blinking Christmas trees!

11.) Wear reindeer sweaters! It’s the only time of the year you won’t look completely stupid. Alright, maybe you will! But at least you will make others laugh out loud. Consider it your good deed of the year! (You need at least one good deed or Santa won’t bring you any gifts!)

12.) Flee to the tropics! Sun, sun and more sun! For those of you who already live in sunny climates … why not go somewhere hotter? I have to disappoint you, though! Wherever there are tourists Christmas won’t be far! Just face it! You can’t escape it if you’re not hiding out on a lonely island! And even there will probably a Robinson Crusoe who decorates a palm tree!

13.) Eat more chocolate! That goes without saying, doesn’t it? Cookies will work too! But forget all those diet fat-free versions! Only the real deal works!

14.) Enter therapy! If you aren’t already in one, do it now! Quickly! Besides, what would you do with all the spare money you saved by not getting any Christmas gifts? Forget the new car you desperately need or education fees for your kids! Psychologists are your future! And they need new cars too!

15.) Wear elastic waistbands! So, you’ve gone through with the whole Christmas thing! Including Christmas cookies, eggnog, lots of alcohol and buffets at various Christmas parties and now you’re facing at least three days of family festivities. Your family, your partner’s family, your pet’s family … and whoever else deserves a turkey with all the trimmings. So, wearing comfortable clothes is the only option to survive those days!

16.) Get a new family! Okay, that might not be as easy as it sounds! Maybe Kim Kardashian wants to adopt you? At least you won’t have to do everything yourself! Servants decorate the house, cook dinner, buy gifts and wrap them! All you have to do is appear on Christmas Eve and that’s it!

17.) Consider the alternative! Now, that I have given you a few ideas how to survive this year’s Christmas holiday season you might realize that Christmas is not that bad after all! What would be the alternative? (And believe me, I know the difference all too well!) No gifts, no Christmas turkey, no family hangouts and little feuds to keep everything interesting!

I know, everyone’s sighing at the prospect of Christmas but we have to admit it! A year without Christmas would just be awful and very depressing! And again, I do know what I’m talking about!

So, I wish you a great pre-Christmas time! And take it easy! Santa’s only human too!