Have you ever thought about why you do certain things? (You know, something that’s called self-reflection!) Have you? Like during times when you are unhappy? And I’m not talking about a bad day or an unhappy moment … but this deep sadness, unhappiness about yourself and your life. When you just know you need to get out of it again, but it’s so incredibly hard, because the world seems to keep revolving but without you. You are just stuck. When you ask yourself constantly why in the hell you have to go through all that, you don’t deserve it, cause in principal you are a good person. When everyone around you seems to live the normal life, being in relationships, having children, and you are the only one who always has to take care of everything on your own, missing out on so much and panicking that nothing will ever change. Cause it’s always been that way.
What do you do? What do you do then to find at least some happiness? When the simple things like a hot bath, chocolate or some shopping just don’t work anymore?
I’ve discovered that my obsession with interior decorating and my apartment grows significantly the unhappier I am. I remember the time my father was diagnosed with cancer … my obsession then was decorating everything in the colour purple. I needed purple! Purple throw pillows, purple candles, purple throw, purple towels and bath accessories … plus lots and lots of fake flowers in all kinds of colours. (Tacky, I know!) I was living on 35 sqm then and every free surface was covered in vases and silk flowers. Roses, peonies, orchids, lilies, … (and yes, I still have them stored up, just in case, for absolute emergencies …)
And not long ago it was once again time for a new “get-happy-again” project! (I just hope none of you are professional psychologists … cause I really don’t want to be told that all my problems started in my childhood! They didn’t! I had a wonderful childhood with great parents and a great older sister, who built scarf-and-blanket-houses with me. Sure, we fought too, I was a little spoilt brat, but really, I had a great childhood, so don’t even try pinning this on my childhood!)
Am I babbling again? That happens, me getting distracted sometimes when originally I wanted to tell you about my new project … drum rolls, please … a new kitchen! Let me add in my defence, that when I moved into my apartment, I took over the kitchen from the previous tenants and obviously they had already brought this kitchen with them, when they moved in. Since I basically had to furnish a whole 100 sqm apartment I was glad to not have to invest in a new kitchen at that time, instead remodelled it by painting it black, covering it with blackboard film and changing the handles. At least I could live with that without being totally disgusted by the original colour. So, spontaneously I decided to do some research and in the course of one week I had everything planned and was ready to order. Oh, how I enjoyed sitting in my boxspring bed at night after work, armed with millimetre paper, pencil and ruler, my MacBook to look up the cabinets and appliances, doing a first draft including prices. The planning, the re-planning, the driving to Ikea several times to look at everything in real life, the last stage of planning together with the Ikea personnel … happy times. Happy, happy, times! And then, of course, all the preparations until the kitchen would be delivered: the dismantling of the old kitchen, repainting, buying new kitchen appliances in black (a red toaster, brown coffeemaker and white electric kettle just wouldn’t do in my new white and black cottage style kitchen), living without a kitchen for nearly a month … and then the big day when the new kitchen was put up. It made me happy. Everything about it just made me happy! My apartment is perfect now! Or is it? Until my next crisis and I decide it’s time to finally tackle the bathroom …